How disappointing.  I started off strong – I always do, and then the quarter (school) started again and I took on too much and I lost my way again.  I had these grand ideas – I still do, in fact, but they aren’t working for me simply because I’m not employing them.  I do think that: exercising, meditating, lifting weights, being present and mindful, counting calories, eating more produce, cooking for myself, cutting out dairy, or any one or combination of these would work.  They don’t if I only think about them.

I got down to 233 and then all the way up to 240, and now I’m back at 237 – in a month.  This just cannot be good for my body, and yet, I can’t except a life where 230 something is “it.”  The 240 really spooked me.  So close to where I started.  I can’t go back there. Then the gallbladder surgery and the months of working so hard will all be worthless.  I don’t want it.

Yet, from the moment that I made a decision to lose weight, some little bomb went off in my head and it was so much harder to do the “right” thing. In the mean time, I seem to have also re-succumbed to a fast food/pizza/calzone addiction. Binging, welcome back.

I’m not ready to give up, but I can’t help feeling like a failure.

In this most recent bout, I: counted calories for a while, cooked from scratch, and walked to and from school daily, but I did none of these things enough or consistently.  I keep putting school/career first – taking too many classes, leading too many organizations, trying to find an internship, trying to find a job, you name it, I’m doing it, but not if it has to do with my health.  Ironic, especially since I’m in public health.

How do other people put themselves first?

I’ve been thinking a lot about this recently, and despite this probably being the 100th version of this same epiphany: I don’t have to be (this) fat.  I’m not comfortable with it. I don’t feel attractive – and I’ve felt attractive well over my perfect BMI weight, but I don’t right now, I feel more like hiding.

Right now (within the last 5 minutes) I weigh 238 lbs.  So that makes my goal 208lbs at age 30.  And you know what?  I don’t think that’s too far from where I want to be eventually.  I used to think I wanted to weigh 140 because this put me clear into the normal BMI range – 5 pounds under that overweight-normal line, and really when you call something “normal” – who doesn’t want to be a part of that?  But you know what, screw normal.  I don’t need to weigh 140 lbs.  Like I posted recently, being obese doesn’t increase mortality risk and being overweight is actually protective! (This means that being overweight is associated with a lower death rate than being “normal.”)  So why not set my sights on being obese, rather than say, “morbidly obese”? – hello evil category of death (literally)!

So as much as I think the BMI index has crazy flaws, I’m still going to utilize it for my goal setting, at least initially.

Right now: 238 lbs, 40.8 BMI

Birthday (6/25) goal: 208 lbs, 35.7 BMI

And my eventual goal?  I’m thinking that 198 lbs with a BMI of 34 would put me back down into that “no added risk of dying” category, and I like the sound of that.  Perhaps I’ll even be super-ambitious and say that my eventual goal is to get to that protective category, overweight, which for me starts at 174 lbs, but for now? Who cares, I can’t get to 174 if I don’t reach 208.

Ready? Set. Go!

What it essentially says (and people, I’ve only read the abstract – it’s finals week!) is that the risk for mortality overall in the population is highest for those with a BMI of under 18.5, then a BMI of greater than 35 (where I’m at now), but is then equal for the two BMI categories: 18.5 – 25 and 30-35, with the BMI category of 25 – 30 “overweight” having the lowest mortality.  There are sooo many things that can play into this – people could say well what if the normal weight people are exercising more and during vigorous exercise you’re more likely to die?  That could be true, I don’t know, but the point here is that for a population level longitudinal (cohort) study – which is the best kind of evidence you can get in public health short of an experiment, which is not ethical, of 11,000 people (in Canada), the overweight ones had the lowest mortality risk followed by normal and obese (but not morbidly obese).

What this means to me?  So much.  I can stop wanting to be thin-thin for my health.  I, however, can not stop wanting to display a healthy life style.  Where I want to take this – it’s not body size that matters, but eating healthy and getting some exercise.  Lifestyle factors, not shape.  We do know that eating enough produce reduces cancer risk – so why wouldn’t we all strive to eat 5 multi-color servings of produce?  We know that movement reduces stress and stress is bad for your body, so why wouldn’t we want to take walks.

This is where I want to go.  I think I have a new goal too, but let me get through my last final tomorrow morning and I’ll tell you what I’m thinking.

Recently, I’ve really been stewing over how to lose weight without really trying very hard, which is bizarre in that I know it’s not possible.  Not to mention that if it were, it’d probably be super unhealthy, and I’d be better off heavier.

I tried Nutrisystem in highschool and I lost a lot of weight, going from 211 to 168.5lbs.  But, I’ve always wondered if it led to health issues – I was diagnosed with PCOS shortly after this and I gained back all the weight and then some, and then never really settled out below 240lbs again.  That is, until the last couple of years after a seriously concerted effort at weight loss - where it became my very first priority, even ahead of my full time job.

So, why the magic bullet fantasy?  I’m getting frustrated.  While I’m not really making an effort,  I’m still expecting a result, I think this is Einstein’s definition of insanity.  I’ve made an (unconscious) decision to put school ahead of my health and personal life, and so weight loss doesn’t come first right now.  While I disagree with this philosophically, I can’t make peace with turning in a paper that I could’ve written better or not studying “enough” for a midterm exam.

For right now, while I’m in school and preparing myself for my future life, I’d like something magic to keep my jeans from growing too small!

On one hand, I’ve almost always weighed myself daily because it keeps me accountable.  I typically officially mark my weight weekly.  But,  I’ve realized that I seem to restrict myself more before “weigh-in day” so that I can ensure a loss. Is that a real loss then if it’s because I’ve been careful for a few days?

Moreover, I feel like I’m tailoring my actions to the scale rather than to a healthier lifestyle.

I recently joined a weight management clinic, which is free at my university (thank you!), and the doctor’s opinion is that weighing on a bi-weekly basis is healthier since weight fluctuates so much and people can get obsessed with a number staying the same or even temporarily going up.

Others of you out there only weigh in monthly.  I can see how this would actually enforce healthier behaviors because you can’t cheat every Sunday and eat what you want because you have a whole other week to fix it before the next weigh-in when you do the weekly thing, but along the course of the month, you are always working towards your goal.

I remain undecided, what do you all think?

That said, last week: 229.2 lbs.

This week: 227.2 lbs (but then I had pizza and a frappucino.)

As I was driving back to my apartment from some volunteer work down near Long Beach, I passed about 15 fast food places in the span of about a block, I kid you not.  Naturally, some are completely unappealing to me (KFC, ick), but some were calling my name (Taco Bell and In-N-Out).  As I stopped at a light right next to Taco Bell, I thought of the cheesy crispy spicy goodness that is the chicken quesadilla, but then this little voice said to me, “You can’t have that!” So, I drove on.

The voice is right, if I want to lose weight, I cannot go to Taco Bell and get their cheesy “grilled” (ie grilled with butter) food, it wouldn’t benefit my goal, but the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if the straight up denial of any type of food really fit into a lifestyle change.  Sure, Taco Bell can’t be my dinner routine, and honestly I didn’t need it today, but if I’m outright saying that it’s off the menu, am I on a diet?  And does being on a diet mean that when I finally get to a happy place weight-wise, that I can stop doing it?  Am I denying myself the opportunity to learn to eat more moderately?

It’s a question worth more thought and consideration.  I don’t think I’m ready to try Taco Bell and maybe by the time I’d trust a Taco Bell run not to turn into a black and white shake from In-N-Out and some cheese and crackers at home, I won’t want it. Only time will tell.

It makes me wonder if 1 pound really always equals 3,500 calories because I sincerely doubt I’ve created a calorie deficit of 22,400 calories this week.